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This article courtesy of www.extatica.com--Enjoy!
“It’s so simple, Arty,” she said; “the best aphrodisiac and the greatest depressant are all up here,” she pointed to her head…
Celebrated Filipino author, F. Sionil Jose, penned the short story Arbol de Fuego (1985). Written in the English language, he tells the story of a wealthy, middle-aged Manila businessman, Arturo de Leon, and the tortured love affair with his sassy , street-smart, sexually liberated, and much younger mistress, Lorna. In an effort to ‘keep up’ with the vivacious Lorna, Arturo resorts to western pharmaceuticals and Chinese herbal aphrodisiacs. None of these ‘cures’, eastern or western, were of any help.
As the insightful Lorna points out to her mature lover; the problem was not a dysfunction of his loins, but of the conflict in his mind. Arturo’s self-conscious, ‘old-fashioned’ way of thinking prevented him from being able to perform sexually. The only resolution in the story comes when his relationship with the young Lorna is significantly shifted.
In my own sexual experiences, I have found that I’ve had to make several shifts of paradigm. What worked for me years ago will not work for me now. This is not due to physical dysfunction or a lack of libido. On the contrary; I have experienced a deepening of my sexuality, and now, I can’t really engage in the shallow type of encounters I used to enjoy. It’s like trying to go back to kindergarten after graduating from college.
I grew up impoverished and in the projects. At the young age of twelve, the only father figure I had was a small time pimp and hustler from Harlem. I witnessed and learned a lot from this guy, but I had never seen him grow as an individual. As I matured, I learned that his basic disrespect towards women was the very thing that was limiting him. I had to disregard these debilitating lessons of degradation. I started to seek a way of life more attuned to my spiritual nature.
The first thing I sought to do was to change this polluted outlook on women. I found my cure in poetry. I emulated the old ways of the Troubadour: Exhaling the sanctity and beauty of Womanhood and upholding the virtues of Romantic Love. It was the beginning of a tremendous journey. My sexual and romantic voyage had brought me to the strange shores of many worlds. I had become devoted to joys of erotic love.
Of the many things I’ve experienced, there is just one thing I’ve learned: The pathways to higher and more satisfying feelings of ecstasy are opened by way of giving myself over to the complete joy of the encounter.
One huge obstacle in the way of sexual fulfillment is shame. It is unfortunate that the source of our shame comes from religion. Religion is the plumb-line of tradition and grace. It is from religious tradition that we preserve the words and deeds of our most spiritually enlightened teachers. Rather than reject the religious or spiritual realm altogether, it may help to expand ones understanding by looking beyond the limits of Judeo-Christian belief.
The Judeo-Christian view of sexuality is notoriously repressive. Ideas such as “Original Sin” and “Immaculate Conception” are crippling to the psyche and they destroy the integrity of our being. This conditioning of shame has kept us from actualizing the power of our sexuality. Ironically, overcoming this sense of shame can be an enlightening experience in itself. For many of us, learning to leap past this condition of shame is a sort of initiation into a world view far more vast than the limits of our internalized restraints. It becomes an ecstatic liberation from the childhood of unquestioned faith and dogma.
There are numerous books, tapes and workshops on the subject of Sexual Tantra and this awareness is reshaping our attitudes towards sexuality, our bodies, and our relationships. More and more, we are seeing sexuality as a viable pathway to higher states of consciousness. Indeed, in Tantra, sexual union is a most beautiful and sublime form of prayer and a legitimate path to actualization and enlightenment.
The Islamic Sufi understanding of life serves us an antidote to this idea of “Original Sin”. While Islam puts formal restrictions on adultery and fornication, it also reputed the idea of being born tainted with the sin of sexual desire. Sexuality is not only seen as positive in Islam, but necessary. The prophet Muhammad (peacebeuponhim) proclaimed “There is no asceticism in Islam.” Islam goes a further step in sanctifying sexuality in the Holy Qur’an where Paradise is allegorically depicted as a garden of sensual delight.
Many Sufi masters, such as Rumi and Ibn Arabi, have taught that sexuality is one of the greatest gifts to humanity and a chief means of spiritual actualization. Sharif Qaysari of 17th century Persia wrote: “This is why the Prophet loved women -because of the perfection of witnessing the Real within them (Al Haqq: “the Real” -one of Allah’s divine names)…The witnessing of the Real in women is the greatest and most perfect witnessing.”
“Do not worry if you catch a young man in an indecent act. It only means that he is growing his feathers. What you should worry about is when a young man does not do such things, who leaves the nest without feathers!”
-Jalauddin Rumi
Former United States Surgeon General, Dr. Jocelyn Elders, was lambasted by a conservative congress for saying that masturbation is a natural thing and that students should be taught about it in the schools. She spoke of this before the United Nations: “There are probably very few people talking about masturbation and we should be talking about masturbation. It’s a normal part of human sexuality. 90 per cent of men masturbate; 80 per cent of women masturbate. And the rest lie.” After she gave that speech, she was forced to resign as Surgeon General. This shows that despite the fact that everyone is getting more ‘in touch with themselves’ -the conservatives are getting further out of touch with reality.
But despite the resistance of a repressed government and culture, masturbation is obviously one of Americans favorite activities. Pornography sales are up, vibrator and dildo sales are up, and I’m sure that Kleenex sales ain’t doing bad -and this is good! It means that a lot of us don’t dwell in the shadows of unthinking repression, and it means that most of us have learned that sheets are much more fun to play on, instead of wearing to stupid night time cross burnings.
It is in the realm of imagination that we work out a lot of our sexual aspirations. This makes masturbation a bit more important than we may have thought in shaping our sexual responses. Most of us make use of pornography as an ‘Imaginal aid’. Like our favorite action movie stars or athletes, we tend to live vicariously through this mediated experience. This is not really a negative thing. We get the chance play out a variety of situations we might not get to enjoy in real life. We get to fantasize about wild encounters, various body types, other races, threesomes, foursomes, moresomes… the options seem to be limitless.
But I want you to consider the fact that most porn is otherwise limited in its regard for sexuality. The worst part is that it conditions men to respond to a limited routine of sexual activity. The main reason for this is because pornography is market driven. It’s very telling that the ejaculation is called the “money shot.” The structure of porn is centered around this ‘payload’, that is to say, the focus is typically the satisfaction of the male.
Don’t get me wrong, porn is great to get us through the dry spells and it may even be useful in ‘jump-starting’ the libido, but consider how much this routine effects our sexual responses. The more we masturbate to this fast food fantasy, the more we are conditioned to respond in a correspondingly shallow manner. We internalize this limited routine. We lessen the expansive quality and authenticity of our real sex life.
I’m certainly not saying that masturbation or pornography are bad. There is good porn (like the flicks directed by Andrew Blake, Michael Ninn or Candida Royale) and there is bad porn (-like most of the shit out there). Likewise, there’s good masturbation and bad masturbation. What I’m trying to say is that we need to be aware of this conditioning factor and we should not let this limit our understanding and enjoyment of sexuality. Masturbation is like an “Undress Rehearsal” -sort of like practicing and familiarizing ourselves in play to ready ourselves for our real intimate encounters. Just like in theater, how well we rehearse will determine how well we perform, and we have many techniques and methods at our disposal.
I like to make time and take time for my ‘undress rehearsal’. The more familiar with my body I get, the more I command my sexual response. Learn to take your time. There is no rush in masturbation because there will be no rush in actual intercourse. I try take at least an hour to play with myself.
In these solo sessions, I like to work with different techniques. Switching hands is one suggestion (I can remember comedian Jackie Martlin saying, “It’s like sleeping with another woman…”). Using both hands is a lot of fun. This imitates the feeling of a deep penetration. There’s the technique of just stroking the head using the thumb and forefinger, replicating the sensation of shallow, G-spot thrusting. Stimulating your scrotum, testicles, nipples and anus can strengthen your arousal. Penetrating yourself and stimulating your prostate gland while stroking your shaft can be a remarkable experience. This significantly strengthens the intensity of your orgasms. But be careful: the surface up there can be fragile!
In Taoist texts there is a theory that an ejaculation actually depletes ones life energy, or chi. You might think that this would mean that the Chinese would shun sexual intercourse, but nothing could be farther from the truth (especially considering the fact that the Chinese are quite impressive when it comes to procreation).
Among the many things they’ve figured out, the Taoists have refined the act of sex to prolong and intensify the level of pleasure. One of the main methods of learning how to control ones ejaculatory reflex is in masturbation: First, work yourself up almost to ejaculation, then back off, then build back up again and back off again, repeat again, and again… This kind of stimulation conditions us to prolong the pleasure and it teaches us to build up to even more powerful orgasms. When this ‘pleasing teasing’ method is utilized in actual intercourse, women report feeling a deep appreciation for this extended intensity.
There really is no limit to the amount of pleasure we can experience if we recondition our responses and open our expectations. Perhaps the opposite to the Taoist manner and approach is the Afro-Arab approach to the orgasm. Where the Taoist philosophy tends towards the retention and conservation of ejaculation, the Afro-Arab approach is to ejaculate as frequently possible before loosing erection. Unlike what we see in porn, arousal does not need to stop after your first orgasm, you can continue on to another ejaculation. As with the Taoist method, this one calls for a change in our masturbation routine. Go ahead and stroke to ejaculation as you normally would, then, just after the sensitivity has subsided (and while maintaining your erection), immediately resume your stroking and work yourself to another orgasm.
I was informed of this technique by a group of gentlemen from West Africa. They told me that when a man learns how to make love in this continuous fashion “-Your woman will sing in pleasure and praise.” (Ah, those Africans!). I will attest to the fact that you really can have consecutive ejaculations if you recondition yourself. This is good news for men who tend to ejaculate prematurely. You don’t have to permit the pleasure to end in a ‘quick-shot’. Teach yourself how to continue, for your own sake as well as hers. And even if your erection is momentarily lost, there’s no reason to cease your intimate contact.
Contrary to some peoples limited thinking, erections truly are one of Earth’s renewable resources. And just like in nature, you can’t force a tree to grow any faster than it will.
I had the opportunity of having a very unorthodox writing teacher in college (-does it show?). Her name was Kathy Acker. She once gave us a rather peculiar assignment. She told us to keep a masturbation journal. She wanted us to write down, frankly and explicitly, our masturbation fantasies. “What sexually excites you is a clue to the deeper parts of consciousness, desires and language.” -She didn’t read each of our fantasies. She respected our privacy, but she wanted us to be aware of our fantasies as a source of inspiration.
(Just a side note: At the end of the semester, she wanted to know if we wrote our masturbation journals. She quickly flipped through the pages of each of our notebooks, not reading them, only checking to see if there was writing in them. When I gave her mine, she couldn’t flip the pages… I had pasted them together! She didn’t get the joke at first, but when disgusting prank dawned on her she burst out laughing and flung the wire-bound notebook back at me!)
Beyond physical technique, there should also be attention to what sort of images and sensations your masturbation fantasies bring. Being in touch with your internalized mental response is key to knowing what it takes to bring you joy. Knowing what you want is crucial in getting what you want, and openly communicating this is an important element in relating with your partner.
Sharing each others fantasies and desires are not only substantial tools in relating to one another, but it may also bring you the powerful insights that are particular to deeper levels of intimacy. Not only will this help in sharing with your partner, but it will help you get in deeper touch with yourself. Of course, jealousy and insecurity may be obstacles to this sort of open expression. But if you and your partner can balance this with the essential expression of your deep appreciation of one other, this potent tool of self-discovery can help each of you grow a great deal.
Mutual masturbation is a terrific way of getting to know one another's sexual responses. Watching your lovers play with themselves is a great way to see what pace and timing it takes to whip them up into and orgasmic frenzy. Our sexual responses can be as individual as our fingerprints. By taking mental notes of your partners particulars and pacing, you get a much better idea of what it takes to bring her pleasure. She also gets the chance to glance at what it takes to keep your fire stoked and bring you to your point of no return.
You might be surprised at how sexually exciting it is to watch and be watched. Playing both intimate voyeur and exhibitionist can be exhilarating. Think of it as a way of showing each other your musical scores and abilities so you can have a good idea of what it will take to harmonize your parts.
“For mankind the greatest manifestation
of Divine Grace is woman…”
--Ibn Arabi (16th century Andalusian Sufi)
Sex can be perceived as an event of convergence on multiple levels. Not only is it typically a unification of two individuals, but it also draws together many dichotomies. The Masculine/Feminine; the Sacred/Profane; the Spiritual/Physical; the Animalistic/Angelic; the visceral/ethereal and so on. The bringing together of opposite forces into harmony is expressed in Taoism with the symbol of Yin and Yang. One of the esoteric meanings of the Seal of Solomon (commonly called “the Star of David”) is that it symbolizes the convergence of the masculine and feminine forces, represented by an ascending triangle (“masculine”) and a descending triangle (“feminine”).
I’ve heard sex described as the ‘selfish giving’, meaning that in sexuality, the more you give, the more you get. The French call it Le Petite Morte, “the Little Death.” I’ve also seen it poetically described as the “Moment we temporarily become God.” For such reasons, I feel that sex is an act of inspiration. The spontaneous discoveries and insights that you experience in an intimate encounter can inform, enrich and expand the other aspects of your life.
Perhaps the most powerful (-and empowering) aspect of a deep sexual connection is Presence. When you find yourself with someone, truly BE with that someone. Anxiety (the biggest obstacle in sexual performance) is a condition of not being in the Moment. It is difficult to be at ease when the worries of the world are crowded up in your cranium. The key to letting go of anxiety and calming your mind is the breath. Fortunately, sexuality is particularly geared to bringing one together with ones own breathing, thus bringing the lovers more deeply into the Moment.
Because so much of sexuality is based on rhythmic movement, the pacing can be unified with the tempo of your breathing. It is well known that focusing your consciousness on your breath is the most immediate way to bring the mind into focus and Presence (-it is the basis of meditation). When the act of intercourse is initiated slowly and tenderly, let it fall into gear with the rhythm of regular breathing. As excitement grows, your pacing naturally increases. Rhythm is the key to falling into a trance state. Let yourself be taken deeper into this state. In this steady climb in speed and intensity, the breathing of your partner unifies with your own. You become like two wings elevating your unified soul in it’s ascension into ecstasy.
One of the more subtle sensations that is shared between people is the blending of their electromagnetic fields, or E.M.F’s. This is the energy, or aura, that emanates from each of us. We actually exist in what can be described as a sea of electromagnetic energies. The quality of these energies differ. The most attractive energies emanate from other living beings, and the strongest attraction is between members the opposite sex. The most purifying and stabilizing EMF’s are the energies of individuals we’ve become comfortable and attuned to (-meaning, those whom we’ve come to trust and love).
A fun little game can prove this theory: Have your lover close her eyes. Hold your hand a few inches from her body and ask her to sense where your hand is. Move it slowly, hovering over the landscape of her form. Let her tune in and tell you what she feels. Switch. You try it. It might take practice or a few tries, but every time I’ve played this game, I’ve felt something. You may be surprised to find that when the mind is relaxed and attuned, you can actually have a distinct sense of another persons aura. In the act of making love, this energy is intensified and at the moment of climax, the field can unify into one powerful sphere of energy. In essence, the two individuals become as One.
This goes back to my childhood. My uncles took me out back for the ‘Mango Talk.’ Y’see, Americans give their kids that “Birds and Bees” talk. Filipinos give their boys the “Mango Talk.” When my extended family started seeing that I was noticing girls, it was that time. Two of my uncles, fresh off the boat from the islands, took me outside with a mango.
“Leesen carepuly, my nepew,” Uncle Romy said in a tone an octave and a half lower than normal, “Yoo must learn how to make a woman happy.”
“-Yep!” Uncle Titoy chimed in, “-Second to handling a knipe, dees is the most important ting yoo must know as a Pilipino man.”
Uncle Titoy pulled out his bad-assed butterfly knife: shaklinkklinkklink! He flipped the blade open in an impressive display of casual skill and proceeded to cut the mango in half. He gave me one half and the other he gave to Uncle Romy.
“Now, we want to show yoo someting: a girls ‘peck-peck’ you know…”
Uncle Titoy was chuckling. Uncle Romy flashed him a stern look, then continued, “… a girls ‘peck-peck’ is a lot like dees mango…” He pointed to my half of the mango.
“Ip she is happy por yoo, she is joocy like de mango.”
He proceeded to eat his half and instructed me to do the same. Uncle Titoy was still stifling his giggling.
“Gibe her some nice licks, like dees…”
He proceeded to run his extended tongue up and down the length of his half. I followed suit. “Now, dees ees bery, bery important! Up at de top ob de ‘peck-peck’ es a ‘grape’…”
Uncle Titoy put both hands over his mouth, his eyes squinted shut as he choked on his laughter. “Dees ‘grape’; ip yoo lick and suck on dees, de mango gets eben more joocy!”
He squeezed his half-mango for effect. The juices were running down his forearm. I squeezed mine and made a mess. I slurped up the sticky nectar that had pooled in the palm of my hand. “MMMmmmm! -tastes so good! Eh?”
I nodded my head, hardly understanding the humor that my Uncles were getting from this, but still, I was happy that they were happy. Happy that they were spending this time with me.
“OK… now, remember: yoo are peenished only when she is happy and smiley.”
He paused and looked at Uncle Titoy, smiled, then brought his fingers up to his mouth.
“And when yoo are all peenished…”
He started to pick his teeth with his pinky nail, “… You can pull de hairs prom yur teeth!”
Then they both busted up into uncontrolled laughter.
I didn’t get it back then. But I do remember picking the fiber of the mango fruit from my own teeth…
Yeah, sure, this “Mango Story” tradition is a chance for the older Filipino men to get a laugh out of the younger boys, but I think that there is a real point to the Mango Story. I think it teaches a young male that it’s important to please a woman. I’ve heard so many men speak of a woman’s sexual parts with repugnance. Some even declaring that they never “go downtown.” They use ugly metaphors like “Fish,” or “Roast Beef Sandwich,” or “Bearded Clam.” I feel so sorry for these chumps. I’ve always had the image of a sweet, juicy, luscious mango in my mind. It’s no problem for a Filipino man to “travel south” (at least those who’ve had the “Mango Talk”).
The metaphor of a mango is pleasant but the reality is even better. Because when a man gives his woman a good measure of pleasure, he is treated to something even sweeter than a mango: he is treated to a very happy and pleased woman, and there really is nothing sweeter (or more gracious!) than a woman satisfied.
I hope that I’ve presented a few insights on attaining new levels of pleasure. My journey ain’t finished yet. I still feel that there are new and deeper levels of pleasure to discover. What it is that I’m really after is what I believe we all are actually looking for: the illuminating (-and frequently elusive) MOMENT. Prayer, meditation, art, poetry, dancing, even sports are all pathways that bring the mind into focus, into connection, and into the moment. I can remember one of my martial arts teacher saying, “Nothing brings you into the moment better than combat.” I could see his point. There’s nothing like the danger of being smacked upside the head to snap you into alertness, but I want to put a bid in for sex.
In combat, it’s fear that forces the mind into immediate focus. But in the alchemical mix of sexuality and spiritual awareness, the moment becomes illuminated in ecstatic joy instead of fear. Even though it might be argued that we can slip away from where we are and who we’re with when we are engaged in sex (esp. in the Freudian sense), I think that sex, when embraced and recognized for it’s sacred and exhilarating qualities, not only brings us into the moment, it gives us a deeper sense to life and a loving appreciation of the moment.
Perhaps coming to this awareness takes some effort, but it’s a pleasurable effort, and well worth it. It’s learning to trust and give yourself over completely. To let yourself be absorbed into another human being, into the moment, into the expansive and Divine Reality that is Love.