Teen Sex
Dealing with Your Teenager's Sexuality
I recall running into Ana, a past acquaintance, when my now teenage sons were in grade school. I said, "Gosh, some of your kids must be in high school by now." "Yes, she replied, "We have four teenagers in the household, and the place is just oozing with sexuality!" Her comment would ring in my ears more than once as my teenage sons and their buddies came in and out with various buddies and girlfriends, girls who were friends or "girlfriends."
Once when a mixed gender group of about eight sixteen year olds was hanging out at my house, I realized that one young couple, Jason and Brittany, were missing. I asked if they had left, and nobody seemed to know. I thought it odd that the door to my son's room was closed, since my son was in the family room. I debated what to do. I knocked and got no reply, but heard shuffling.
Not wanting to be a prude, I had to quickly examine my own values. Then thoughts seeded by articles I'd read over the years raced through my head. Her parents will be suing me for the cost of raising a child because I let her get pregnant in my home with me there! I have sons, but what if she was my daughter? So much for my liberal self-image, it was stupid to let what I was imagining might be going on to continue under my "supervision!"
I knocked again. This time Jason opened the door and then took the few steps across the room to sit next to Brittany on the bed. Their clothes looked like they weren't on quite right, hair was a mess and they both looked like they had gotten caught with their hands in the cookie jar.
I commented in as "cool" a tone as I could muster, that I felt that it was inappropriate for them to be behind closed doors here, they could do what they wanted elsewhere, but in my house I felt responsible. They said, "Okay," and that was that. I didn't know whether I'd overreacted or averted a disaster, but was certain that if Brittany's parents knew, they would thank me.
Dealing with our teenagers' sexuality forces us to face the fact that things have changed a lot since we were adolescents. We didn't have sex education and AIDS awareness clubs in the schools, free condom distribution just off campus and at Planned Parenthood, and blatant, "in-your-face" sexuality all over the media. It forces us to deal with our own sexuality, how we feel about how we were raised, what kind of relationship we want with our kids and what kind of relationships we want to support them having, personally and sexually.
I wondered how other parents deal with these matters, not just sex education, but the real guts of teenage sexuality. They learn about physiological sex in school, but where do they learn about relationships and emotions, the simmering stew of hormones and interpersonal issues that entice and torment teens?
So this is the first of a series of articles based on interviews with parents and teenagers about teenage sexuality. Here we interview two teenagers and two parents who have made a conscious choice to prioritize maintaining an open honest parent-teen relationship over any particular behavioral requirements and prohibitions. In future articles we will address such topics as teenage pregnancy, STDs. teenage homosexuality, etc.
--Ellen Eatough
Prohibition or promiscuity?
Today's parents face difficult choices
Debra (not her real name), a 53-year-old mother of two, is amazed sometimes by just how differently our culture treats sexuality now compared to when she was a teenager.
“There’s such a difference in the openness with which the subject is dealt in this country now,” says Debra. “When I grew up, there wasn’t sex in the media. There wasn’t sex on TV. Elvis Presley couldn’t be shown from the waist down on Ed Sullivan because he moved his pelvis. There was no MTV, with the incredible sexuality of the dancers. But now, as a society, sex just permeates.”
Debra thinks that this openness has led to her children simply being more matter of fact about sex.
“I think it’s a part of their lives, and I think as a parent, I’ve definitely been nudged down a road that I want to go down anyway with my kids, which is to be open and to talk with them about growing up, about sexuality, and about the emotional and psychological, as well as physical consequences of sexual experimentation,” Debra says.
Debra’s daughter, Amber, 16, has always appreciated her mother’s openness. “Ever since I was younger, we said that we could always talk about it, when the time came that I felt like I wanted to have sex. We left that communication open.”
Debra and Amber had some rough years when Amber was first discovering her sexuality. The family was being torn apart by Debra’s divorce from Amber’s father. There was a lot of friction between the two of them as Amber pushed her boundaries, sneaking out and hanging out with older guys. Finally, about a year later when Amber returned from summer camp, Debra found her daughter was much more open and wanted to have a closer relationship. There was one caveat, however: she wanted to be able to tell her mother the truth about what she was doing—and not be told she couldn’t do it.
Amber believes that the key to a clear parent-teenage relationship is the ability to tell your parents what is really going on without the fear of being judged.
“I know a lot of girls who are open with their moms over their fathers,” Amber says. “And I know some kids who aren't open with either of them, because both of them don't allow the stuff that goes on. That's what the main thing is, with my mom. I tell her everything. And so then, at least she knows, and I don't have to lie about it.”
“She didn’t want me to prevent her from going (out and doing things),” Debra says. “She wanted to try everything. And she wanted me to know that so that I could be her back-up when she was going to go try new things. She said, ‘you know, if I tell you and you can guide me, then fine. But if I tell you, and you’re going to try and stop me, I’m not going to tell you anymore; I’ll just do it.”
Debra laughs, shaking her head ruefully. “I didn’t like the choice. But I knew that was the truth, because that’s what I did. I didn’t tell my parents; I just did it and hid it. So it’s not the most comfortable thing in the world. But it’s probably the most comforting thing in the world to know that she can come to me and I can be here for her.”
Debra has found their agreement to be one of the most profound catalysts for growth she has ever experienced.
“In order to be there for Amber,” Debra remembers, “when she would be telling me the truth about what’s going on, I had to really be in the present moment and really listen to her, and watch her, and try to respond intuitively, supporting her and responding in a way that would help her and guide her.”
It hasn’t always been easy.
“I would be having all these thoughts, of what it was like for me and all the baggage of my past and my sexual experiences growing up and all the expectations of society and expectations of me as a mother and what I should be telling my daughter and how I should be handling her,” Debra says.
But Debra knew that the best way to handle her daughter was to put all those thoughts aside and use her heart and mind to respond based on who her daughter was and what she needed, and not listen to all those voices in her head telling her what she should be or do as a “perfect mother”.
“The thing is, you know, when you can keep a relationship with a child, then you’ve got a chance to explain sex in a way that you feel is positive. And if you don’t have that, you don’t have a chance,” Debra says.
She must have succeeded very well, because Amber says it never even crossed her mind not to tell her mom. “Since I was young, we always said that we’d always be able to talk about it. When I started to think about it, it just clicked, like, ‘Oh, I’m supposed to go talk to her now’ ”.
Over the years, Amber and Debra have had countless conversations about sex. Because their communication was so open, Amber felt like she could say whatever she was thinking. Amber feels that the ability to express her thoughts honestly and openly to her mom has helped allay any fears her mom might have had about Amber’s decisions regarding sex.
“When we talked about it, I was saying most of the stuff,” Amber remembers. “Like that it doesn't matter how old you are. As long as you truly care about someone and they truly care about you, what matters is that you really are in love with them. If it's an equal relationship, and you don't feel pressured, then it’s okay. She knew that whenever I was going to have sex, I was going to do it for the right reason, she didn't even have to say anything to me.
Dads, daughters and sons
Traditionally, fathers are notorious for not opening up to their children about sex. If they said anything at all, it was normally only to their sons, and often under duress from their wives.Jim, 52, father of two teenage girls, laughs as he ponders discussing sex with his parents. “When my dad finally talked to me about sex, I already knew everything. I just told him, that’s okay Dad, and he dropped it. I think that my mom probably put him up to it.”
He’s handled it very differently with his own daughters, aged 16 and 18. “I started talking to my daughters about sex three years ago, when they moved in with me. I just let them know that it was emotional, and that there was a lot involved. I never felt that me being of the opposite sex made it harder. We’re just real close and talk about everything.”
Jim always emphasized that sex would mean a lot more to them most of the time than to guys. He’s never pulled any punches, making sure they understand that there is a great hormonal difference between the two sexes and their sex drives as teenagers.
“My daughter and her friend went out on their first real double date last night. Her friend came downstairs and asked what I thought about the shirt she was wearing. I was honest with her and told her that she should wear something more conservative. I told her if she wore something like that she was going to drive the guy crazy.”
The older Jim’s daughters get, the more determined he is to stay open. He’s seen too many of his daughters’ friends’ parents not cultivating an open relationship with their children, and the havoc that wreaks as a result.
“One of my daughter’s friends, Nicki, got kicked out by her Dad. He read in her journal that she got fingered or something like that, and he just tossed her out. Threw all her stuff out and had her mother come and pick her up. It’s terrible, the scars that that leaves.”
Jim’s comfort level with discussing sex seems to be pretty unusual. Chad, age 17, on the other hand, had a more stereotypical experience (This months featured interview is with Chad).
“My dad was always technical,” Chad says. “He would always tell me what sex was. He'd always answer any question honestly. But he'd always say it in a very straightforward kind of way.”
He found that it was his mom that really opened up and talked about sex in broader, less clinical terms.
“My mom would talk about other things involved. She would say, make sure that you're emotionally ready for sex; and make sure that the girl is ready. That we should talk about it, because it might mean different things to each of us. And, you know, I paid attention to that. I think having two different perspectives is good. I don't think it would have been quite the same with just one. I’m lucky that my parents are comfortable talking to me about that stuff.”
How open is best?
In the discussion about parents and sexuality, it’s a rare situation in which parents are not only open about their kids sexuality, but also wholeheartedly accept it. But Chad thinks it would be much more beneficial to their children if parents would allow them to be out in the open with their sexual relationships. When asked if he thought that it was a good idea to allow boyfriends and girlfriends to spend the night together, he agreed it was.
“I think it's very good if parents were willing to do that, simply because when a guy and a girl spend the night together, and then that raises the comfort level. That really leaves room for the more emotional part of sex, you know. So, instead, what happens is you just have sex and then one of us has to leave because of our parents. They're not stopping us from having sex. What they're really stopping is the intimate part of it.”
According to Debra, Amber agrees that what parents stop most of the time is the intimacy and not the sex. “She would point out, you know, it doesn't really matter whether we allow her to have the time alone with her boyfriend or not. They will do what they want to do, whenever they want to do it.”
In fact, it sounds like the restriction on privacy might actually be increasing the pressure teens feel to be physical with one another.
“Amber says that private space would give them time to be together, without them thinking that they have to do something because it's the only time that they would get it. Instead, they would have time to be together to talk, or to experiment, or to do whatever, and not feel the pressure of, ‘oh my God, my parents are gone, so we better hurry up and do something before they get back.’”
"What’s the point, anyway?"
It’s a very different sexual climate out there these days. When Debra was first considering having sex, she felt very alone.
“I couldn’t talk to anybody about it; I couldn’t ask anybody about it; you didn’t talk with each other about it either.”
But, luckily for her daughter, it’s much more acceptable to discuss sex now. When Amber was initially considering having sex, she conducted “research”, asking her friends, her brother, her brother’s friends, her teachers, and her mother about their experience of sex. She said that she wanted all of their opinions and advice so that she could get the most feedback.
“I wanted to hear what they had to say,” Amber says, “so my decision wasn’t just based on me. It’s based on a number of people who have been through the same thing or have ideas and feelings about it, and can tell you stuff.”
When she talked to her mother about it, one of the possible consequences of having sex that they discussed was having an abortion. Debra had had one, but chose not to share with Amber her personal experience with it.
“A few days later, we were having another discussion, and all of a sudden Amber had the intuition that I had had an abortion. She just looked at me and says, mom, I know you've had an abortion. And, when she said it to me like that, I couldn't deny it. So, I did admit to her.”
Amber was very upset that her mom hadn’t told her the truth of her experience, Debra remembers. “She brought up to me, what was the point of going through life and having these experiences and learning the lessons that we learn, if we cannot share those things with our children, so that they can learn from us?”
What is the point, indeed?
All of the names in this story have been changed.
