INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP AS
TRANSFORMATIVE PATH
By John Welwood, PhD
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Men and women seeking to fashion a life together today face a unique set of challenges and difficulties. Never before have couples had so little help or guidance from elders, society, or religion. Most of the old social and economic rationales for marriage as a lifelong relationship have broken down. Even the old incentives for having children—to carry on the family name or trade, or to contribute to family work, providing an economic asset—are mostly gone. For the first time in history, the relations between men and women lack clear guidelines, supportive family networks, a religious context, and a compelling social meaning.
Until recently, the form and function of the male/female relationship, and marriage in particular, were carefully prescribed by family, society, and religion. One's family always chose or at least had veto power over one's choice of a marriage partner. Every couple had a set of defined roles within an extended family, which in turn had a place in a close-knit community or village where people shared similar social, moral, and religious values and customs. Marriage had a central place in the community, providing a stabilizing influence and supporting the social order. And society supported it in turn: if a marriage was unhappy, community pressure held it together.
Only in the last few generations has this situation changed. Now that marriage has lost most of its traditional supports and couples are increasingly cut off from family, community, and widely shared values, there are few convincing extrinsic reasons for a man and a woman to sustain a life's journey together. Only the intrinsic quality of their personal connection can keep them going. For the first time in history, every couple is on their own—to discover how to build a healthy relationship, and to forge their own vision of how and why to be together.
Those of us who are struggling with questions of love and commitment today are pioneers in territory that has never been consciously explored before. It is important to realize just how new this situation is, so that we do not blame ourselves for the difficulties we face in our relationships. In former times, if people wanted to explore the deeper mysteries of life, they would often enter a monastery or hermitage far away from conventional family ties. For many of us today, however, intimate relationship has become the new wilderness that brings us face to face with all our gods and demons. It is calling on us to free ourselves from old habits and blind spots, and to develop the full range of our powers, sensitivities and depths as human beings—right in the middle of everyday life.
TOWARD A NEW VISION OF RELATIONSHIP
Traditional marriage achieved stability by serving a prescribed societal function. Modern marriage, by contrast, is based on feeling rather than function. No wonder it is so unstable. Romantic feelings, while inspiring, are notoriously fickle. Long-term relationships clearly need a new foundation, beyond social duty and romantic intensity. We need a whole new vision and context that can help couples find fresh direction and inspiration.
